Anonymous said: You're so broken down and used - mentally and physically - it's almost like your a 'dead slut walking'. What else could possibly be done to you except to choke you into unconsciousness and then fuck or abuse you until you awaken, only to repeat the cycle again.
Dead slut walking was probably a pretty apt description, when this was submitted I was pretty much just existing and waiting to die. I still very much enjoy the idea of the rest of the comment though, except maybe less of the ‘mentally’ part and not in a 24/7, endless repeating cycle. Maybe just on weekends now hey?
gideonmarx said: I was going through my favs since ... like forever and saw your tumblr was still around. I know you don't post much, but glad that you're well and ... still around.
I did the same the other day and was a little sad to see many of the blogs I followed from way back havent been updated in months/years. I know I was in the same boat there for a while, but its nice to still be around and no longer being dead weight on peoples ‘Following’ list.
Nice to see you share similar views on the concept of personal development. Are their any goals you are trying to reach in life right now that you could use help with? I for one would strongly encourage you to get a university degree, which I am assuming you would not have given your personal history. You seem to have a lot of potential and I certianly will be jealous of the dominat who eventually harness that potential and pushes you to great things.
On an unrealted note, you mentioned you used to dance. So hot! Ballet is really the epitome of submission in my view. Incredibly hard work and self sacrific to create beauty for others to enjoy. And few things are more fun than a limber little ballerina’s body. Love it. You should get back into it which should not be too difficult as I understand barre classes are increasingly common.
To be honest I dont have any real goals right now, Im still just finding my feet and Im pretty much just happy to be having a normal(ish) life. I never really had a dream career in mind to work towards, or fantasies of meeting prince charming who I could snag, or anything else like that. I guess my goal is to get to a position where I have a goal.
Im not sure University is my thing, as much as I like learning and educating myself, its always random things that I get interested in, and soak up what I can and then move on. Three or four years doing structured learning would do my head in I think. Its probably a bit late for all of that now and I couldnt afford it anyway, but Im sort of considering more vocational training or something like a Chef’s apprenticeship or similar.
I did a little ballet when I was younger as an after school thing, but never went further. It was nice to do but I didnt really have the kind of family whod pay/encourage/support/care enough about it going any further, but yeah! I guess theres nothing really stopping me now!
What you want is not unusual or selfish it just means you’re like everyone else. To give a person love and time without losing one’s individuality is or should be the basis of any relationship.
I like the “Don’t be a cunt” warning but I’m afraid the world has its fair share and the internet is where they hide. We’ll drown them out best we can and carry on in spite of them.
Realising that Im ‘like everyone else’, just in my own fucked up way, is probably the biggest shift in mindset Ive had. Everyone wants the same things when broken down to their base level, the rest is just a question of degrees.
Cunts will be cunts, I know, and to be fair, its the internet and by even allowing messages Im leaving myself open for cunts to be cunty. So its all good. I understand the need.
I don’t like referring to you as broken girl it seems redundant at this point. Would you consider giving a name to go with your words. I don’t expect you to share your real identity and would advise against it. Perhaps a pseudonym, something with a personal connection.
Occasionally to escape from oneself even for a moment is the greatest fantasy to explore. To exist without restrictions from our past we can be free to enjoy the present and no longer fear the future.
Good question. Saying something like ‘call me Sarah’ (just to pull a name out of my arse) seems strange, and Ive put zero thought into a different/updated ‘title’. Im not sure what would fit, but Ill have a think about it.
Glad to see your response to my earlier message. You seem to be a pretty good place and I hope you are lucky and find someone who can give you the level of abuse and control you need in life without taking it too far. Its a damn hard thing to find.
On my end I’ve gotten into some of this with some women and find the aspect of domination that takes it from straight messed up abuse is idea of pushing a submissive to better herself. Totally dominating someone and turning them into a mindless piece of fuckmeat can have appeal, but at end of day you have an object that is really not all that interesting. Its also just not all that fun of a process. Lock most anyone in a box and tourture them for long periods of time and you will fuck them up pretty bad. What i find far more thrilling is helping shape a submissive into a better woman. This of course is still pretty twisted as it fills the same desire to permanently alter another person’s existance, but it has a more positive outcome and in my view is a far more fun process.
Am curious if you have any thing along these lines in your life? Could manifest in things like pushing you in school or work, learnign a new hobby, or even realy simple thing like keeping up with exercise.
This is an interesting, yet when I think about it, obvious aspect to what I need or get out of a D/s relationship, even though Im not quite sure I ever put my finger on it.
At the end of the day Im sure all anyone really wants to do is make people they love happy. Different people are made happy by different things so how you go about doing it is going to be different in every relationship. Obviously you can make someone pretty happy by sucking their dick, or letting them turn your arse a nice shade of ruby red or whatever, and if it makes you happy to do that its all the better.
But I think the growing aspect of it all is something that I enjoyed. I liked having limits pushed, knowing that each time I went a little bit further, I was getting a little bit closer to what my partner ideally wanted from me. I guess all submissives need a pretty big ‘eager to please’ streak and the process of you being… ‘trained’ is all part of that. The problem, at least for me, was when yeah, youre in that relationship where being trained into just being fuckmeat is what the goal is. Not that Ive got anything against being fuckmeat, but if there is a REASON for it, as opposed to just being fuckmeat for fuckmeats sake, then theres that growing aspect.
Even non-sexually I think its something Ive always naturally done and needed. Looking at it from that ’50s housewife’ angle, its similar with that whole knowing what your man needs in certain situations, what you can do to make his life better, right down to knowing that after a shit day at work he really loves food X cooked Y way. Its all a learning process even if hes not directly leading you (or maybe he is), but the end result is the same.
Finally (because this is turning into an essay) the two things Ive taken on into my personal, normal life and still keep pushing forward with, came from that latter style of growing in previous relationships. I think Ive mentioned that the work I do now is essentially cooking which is something I always liked learning and pushing myself with, mainly as a way of being a better ‘housewife’. The second is exercise. I used to dance as a kid, but that progressed to just running (Im sure Freud would have something to say there), because every man wants a woman who tries to look her best right? So funnily enough, my main hobby and my job basically came from fucked up relationships.
Trigger warning and all that I guess. Fair warning.
I was a bit shocked (and shocked I was shocked) when I was reading back through some of my older posts. There was a period where it went something like ‘post… picture… question… post… post… oh yeah I tried to kill myself… post… post…’
Totally from a text/blog point of view it was a huge case of ‘Holy shit where did that come from?’. It wasnt like there was anything unusual in posts leading up to it. Looking back I actually get the same reaction about it from an ‘actually happened in life’ point of view too, Im a little surprised it got to that point so suddenly.
Its something that scares me a bit because as much as I think life is ok, that things are going along alright, that things have been worse for me, that things have been a lot worse for millions of people every fucking day around the world, something like that happening isnt that far away.
And it makes me wonder if its just me or is everyone else, knowingly or not, on a knife edge where it could all just end like that.
Im pinching a post I made somewhere else not that long ago, (I kind of wrote it with this blog in mind but I didnt post it here, Im not sure why) because as surprised as I am at what happened, it describes something thats always been the case.
Ive always felt like something was off. I could never quite decide if it was me that wasnt quite right or the world in general, but either way things didnt quite fit. Not in a ‘those 2 jig-saw pieces dont fit’ way, it was never that harsh or obvious. It was more like there was a lump in my sock and no matter how much I pull and twist it, or take it off and put it on again, no matter how much I wiggle my toes inside my shoe, the lump still just gets me. But even then it was subtle and hard to pinpoint or focus on. Is it my sock? My shoe itself? A small stone? Is my foot itself just irritated? Who knows, its hard to tell. I cant even really say WHERE abouts I can feel it.
And thats always been the case.
I never dwelled on it or analyzed it. It just was. Id become aware of it and it would bum me out a bit but then Id just keep existing and it would slide to the back of consciousness. Never totally gone, but usually ignorable.
Its slowly dawned on me what it was that isnt fitting. Or more that Ive slowly acknowledged what it was instead of ignoring it. Im pretty sure Ive always known it.
I now realise that when my time is up, Ill be going out at my own hand. Ive picked up, like most people, that people dont want to die, that its some abstract thing that is going to come out of the blue. YOU wont die. Your future self will die. She will be shot, killed in a car crash, get cancer, have a heart attack, overdose, die in her sleep…whatever. Its an event thats not wanted and never thought about because you have no control. Its not up to you.
And while I know I can be hit by a bus tomorrow, and in that regard Im in the same boat as everyone else, Ive always known that it wasnt something to be actively not thought about. Thats where the ‘notrightedness’ come from. It was always churning away in the back of my mind that I would probably choose where, when and how.
I am not suicidal. This is not a cry for help. This is an acknowledgement. I am not depressed. Well, no more depressed than anyone whos noticed how fucked the world is, or how futile existence is.
But acknowledging that my suicide is inevitable is kind of strange. Its also kind of nice. I think Id had fantasies where I was being selfish, where Id hope, or wish someone else would do it for me. I dont mean on a deathwish level or anything like that, but on a level where I didnt want the responsibility. Thats weak as piss.
Im not entirely sure why Im posting this.
Most people wont see it.
Most of those who do will just internally roll their eyes at another attention seeker on tumblr and while thats entirely NOT the point, I totally understand the reaction.
Of those who are left, some may even take this the wrong way and have it ~*trigger*~ them. Sorry if thats you.
But I feel better having not only admitted all this to myself, but also typing it out, and hitting POST.
So yeah. I know that eventually, bad luck not having take care of it for me, Im going to kill myself.
While Ive always felt that, the fact it came to it already still is jarring.
I know suicidal ideation is a thing, but having to put some effort into not following through seems back to front. While Ive always known Id do it, the fact it came without warning still throws me.
So whats the moral to this story?
Fucked if I know.
Broken Girl, I’m glad you are back. Despite what you may or may not think, for me you always had something interesting to say, so I’m even happier to hear you are now more and more interested in some discussion, investigation and general exploration of what’s going on.
I definitely think you should keep the blog as it is, and not delete or change the previous posts. History is *really* important, and a documented path of change is a huge value.
I think the thing about you that fascinates me is your tenacity in hanging on to life, and the way your mind and soul have found ways to transform and transcend the abuse you have suffered - it’s such a testament to our innate creativity, how it can extract gold from the shit of existence that some of us have the misfortune to experience.
I would like to know more about the last year, and how this change in you has come about. I’ve done kink, and particularly BDSM, for many years, partly in response to childhood abuse also (it was mostly emotional, and seemingly nothing like as bad as you have experienced) - and have found it a huge part of healing - as well as whole lot of great fucking fun!
It would seem to me that you’ve entered a similar phase. I support your inquiry, exploration, as you knit it all together into a whole.
Its really kind of cool to see familiar faces, even if theyre ‘just’ usernames on a blog. The fact people have stuck about since… jesus… (just checking back my first post is 20 days short of 3 years ago) is… something.
I went and changed my ‘about this blog’ bit the other day to reflect what your saying. I kept my initial ‘about me’ but just added a bit to say things have changed but Im keeping it all, even if its just a reminder for myself, and because theres some pretty hot stuff Ive reblogged! (This has just sent me off down a whole other path which I think Ill keep for a separate entry as well).
The whole kink side of things for me is in a weird place. Like I said I still want it. Sex/play without it seems… hollow. Im sure its partly just what Im used to, and Im sure its partly a whole fucked up way of dealing with things that have happened in my past and Ive recognised that for a long time. But its still FUN. It still scratches an itch that doesnt get scratched in other ways. It just seems to come with side-effects like I mentioned just before and thats my main issue right now.
Someone once suggested I try taking the other role, and the thought that it might be a way to keep scratching that itch without letting ‘bedroom submissiveness’ turn into ‘life submissiveness’ has occurred to me, but I wouldnt know where to start and the idea has always scared me a bit. Im not sure its me.
Just started found your site about a month ago and have been facinated by your evolution. I am sure I and many others are curious where you are with your life right now?
Assume you are no longer in a situation where you are owned or controled. So I assume you work or are in school. Also very curious what your sex life is like. That is if you even are havign sex. Given your past I can see having a break from sex being nice. And if you are having sex, it must be weird to be “normal” but also difficult to find people who are into the kinkier things.
Anyhow, I have some thoughts on other things to get into but figured I’d start with the basics.
Im not currently owned/have a master and I wouldnt say I have been for a long while, and its probably not terminology I feel like using to describe what I want any more.
I think the biggest change Ive had is probably the most subtle. While I still want that safe feeling that Id get from not having to worry about every single aspect of my life, what I think I used to occasionally refer to as almost ‘1950’s housewife’ (or maybe just plain childlike), I dont feel like it can only come from being totally provided for. That probably comes across wrong, and gives mental images of high maintenance sugardaddy hunting types, but I cant think of how else to describe it.
I still want a partner who will provide, protect, put their foot down when needed, and still generally take control, but Im also more confident that sometimes I have an opinion that matters.
What used to happen in the bedroom control/dominance wise almost totally spilled into the rest of my life as well. I still want the bedroom part, but I also want a separation from that outside of it.
Personally Im finding that pretty hard to put into practice in that it seems like I cant find both. Ive met guys who fit the provider/protector role but only outside the bedroom. The one time I found someone to give the other side I felt myself almost immediately letting it flow into all my life. Thats MY problem, it was ME not respecting my own boundaries and I dont know what to do about it. Other than just generally having a break from it all, which is pretty much where Im at now.
Outside of that, yeah, the other aspect of it all is providing all the mundane every day shit for myself that everyone else the world over has to do as well. Again, it probably makes me sound like Ive spent all my time being a mooch. Maybe I have, I dont know. Moved again. Got a job thats not terrible, but is mostly evenings which makes having much of a social life hard anyway. Thats about it. Im stuck in a rut like everyone else but that in itself kind of makes me feel protected.
Glad to see you back and to hear you have changed in the last year. Despite the questions you may receive what you share does inspire hope, what you say does matter. The weather has changed and I hope you’ve moved on to brighter days.
It might suprise what would interest strangers/weridos on the internet so don’t surrender just yet. Though not saying I am weird perhaps a little odd but I will wait patiently to watch this blog evolve.
I just wanted to start with this as an example of some of the messages that have been sent and I just want to acknowledge them in general. It gives me a little more confidence that making a change here, doing more what I want than what I think I should, is something that wouldnt be for nothing. Maybe its selfish but the idea of typing away word after word that would be totaly ignored was one of the things that probably stopped me doing something before.
Im surprised at how many are supportive like this, so thanks! Ive read them all (even the unsupportive ones), and I think I can kill a lot of birds with a few stones, so hopefully I cover it alleven if I dont directly respond to everyone.
Im not sure how often I said thanks to everyone previously, and if I did if I meant it in every case. But I do now. Thanks!
BTW, clearly if anyone is reading the stuff I post, they would know on the scale of 1 to weird, Ive probably got most people covered. So its all good!
isukblakok said: If people you don't know are thought raping you, it's because your life, or at least the portion of it revealed in this blog, has become porn. Porn actresses are the endless victims of thought rape because porn's whole purpose is to stimulate wankers to wank over the images they see. You could just as well be a 60 year old fat guy with a great imagination who is posting his words along with pictures taken off the Internet. Your life has become fiction, you're not even involved in it.
I think this refers to an old post and it kind of sums up why Im struggling with what to put here.
I still stand by the comment I made that triggered this question, but while I recognise the ‘porny’ nature of where all my posts were coming from, I guess I always hoped people wouldnt be using it ALL as wank-fodder (although I guess I was naive and was asking for that). I guess it was the realisation that while I was anonymously sharing some of my life as a way to move on, it was all falling in with the stories and the entirety of stuff here was wank-fodder which wasnt quite what I wanted. Having said that, its all out there and I dont back away from it. I guess I invited that reaction, and if that gets people off then knock your self out.
But towards the end I also hoped someone might get something serious or supportive out of it even if it was in a ‘youre not alone’ way, and having that message hidden in amongst porn was pretty fucked.
Whether you believe any or all of whats here is up to you but hopefully if you want to take something from it, its a bit easier to digest or take seriously.